My slow dance with Jesus
By Joseph Ahab (God Increases Love)
“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?” Psalm 42:5a
I waited in vain for an answer, but the lack of response made me mindful of my surroundings. Here I was all alone on the beach at night: sitting on the sand. I couldn’t see much, although I was able to make out the vastness of my surroundings in the moonlight. I heard the waves lapping on the beach around me. I took in a deep breath of air, and smelled slightly sulphuric decaying sea matter mixed with salty ocean. A gust of wind passed over me — chilling my body while it rustled the trees around me.
I took a deep breath and sighed, while staring into the moonlit ocean.
As I closed my eyes, my mind brought me back to around a year ago. I went back to the hospice with my Aunt Deborah: right after my father died. She tells me “God is refining you Joseph.”
I opened my eyes as I shook my head, exclaiming. “Yeah right!”
Combined with losing my Dad and being locked up during a pandemic, I had never felt more alone in my life. Fuck my life!!!
I was pissed. The warmth of a tear falling down my cheek provided temporary relief to the chill of the night. The one tear turned to several. With tears streaming down my face, all I could think of is one of June Osborne’s prayers. I looked up to the stars in the skies and cried out:
“Our father, who art in heaven, seriously? What the actual fuck?”
As I opened my eyes and waited for a response, another gust of wind passed over me — as the trees rustled around me again.
I turned around and saw nothing but a black void. I closed my eyes again, and this time a prayer from Kesha came to me.
“Am I dead? Or is this one of those dreams? Those horrible dreams that seem like they last forever? If I am alive, why? Why? If there is a God or whatever, something, somewhere, why have I been abandoned by everyone and everything I’ve ever known? I’ve ever loved? Stranded. What is the lesson? What is the point? God, give me a sign, or I have to give up. I can’t do this anymore. Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much.”
I opened my eyes as I think I heard a “Joseph!” called out from a distance behind me. While I didn’t see anyone as I strained my eyes, I could now see a tiny flickering light in the distance.
I stood up, brushed the sand off me, and started walking in the direction of the light. As I began to get closer, the light appeared to be a lamp. A beautiful melody of piano chords also began to play.
As I arrived at the lamp, I stopped. Seeing no one, I called out: “hello?” I did a full spin and verified that I was still alone. A guitar and drums were suddenly added to the piano melody playing. I let out a sigh as I imagined this melody to be the perfect slow dance song. Yet here I was, all alone.
Looking up at the sky, I called out, “do you think it’s funny to torture me? Have you predestined me to be alone in the dark? Will you even refuse to dance with me Lord?”
I heard a chuckle behind me. Startled, I turned around. There in front of me was Jesus. “Oh my God!” I gasped in astonishment.
Jesus laughed and replied, “That’s me! I hear you’re looking for a dance partner.”
“Wait, one second! Where did you come from?” I asked.
Jesus chuckled and replied, “I have never left you. I have just been waiting for another one of your invitations. So what do you say… do you want to dance?”
“But you’re a man and I’m a man, my Lord. Surely the Church won’t approve of us dancing together!”
Jesus replied, “freedom comes through abiding in me. Now do you care to take my hand?
I blushed and smiled while grabbing Jesus’ hand.
I placed my arms around his neck as Jesus placed his arms around my waist. We gently swayed to the melody as we stared at each others’ faces. I couldn’t mutter any words: I was in complete awe of what was happening.
Suddenly I heard the voice of a young man call out; his voice coming from beyond the reach of the light coming from the lamp. “Bruh, that’s so gay! Two guys can’t dance together! Go find some chick to bang!”
“Oh no! He’s back my Lord!” I sighed.
“Who’s back?” Jesus enquired.
“Chad. He’s one of my accusers,” I answered.
“He is speaking lies to you Joseph. But it’s your choice to hold onto his lies, or to let them go,” Jesus told me while holding my face.
I then heard the voice of a young woman call out: “You have every right to feel shame. You really need to keep quiet about yourself. This needs to be a secret.”
“Becky’s right my Lord. I should remain in the dark,” I stated while looking at Jesus.
Jesus replied, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12
“Change is possible. If your faith is strong enough, and you pray hard enough, you can pray away the gay!”
“Oh Lord, James has a point. Why has my faith been so weak? What will it take for you to finally answer my prayers?” I asked.
“Joseph. Joseph. Joseph. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I know this is not your choice. Please ask yourself why you are trying to change what I made wonderful.”
“The only way you’ll ever be able to reconcile your faith with your life is to embrace the affirmation of everything! Sure, you may have to question whether or not that man you’re dancing with is a figment of your imagination, but at least you’ll be able to experience love from everyone else in our church!”
“Do you really desire me to attend Reverend Lovejoy’s church my Lord? Will not my own congregation be willing to discuss my journey with them? Is the only way for me to break away from shame in the Church is to embrace the affirmation of everything?” I enquired of Jesus.
Jesus replied, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6
“You’re choosing this because your Mom or Dad traumatized you! You can’t be Christian and gay. You just need to learn to walk and talk like a real man, and then your homosexual condition will fixed.”
“And people wonder why I struggle reconciling my love for you while hearing Nicolas preach this in the Church,” I cried as streams of tears poured out of me.
“Joseph, stop trying to fix yourself and stop looking to others to fix you. Let me transform you,” Jesus affirmed to me. He added, “None of that toxic masculinity ever came from me. I want my children to look to the Son of Man as their role model. Can I get an amen in here?”
“Amen!” I shouted while smiling.
Jesus added, “Now let the music play!” This made me laugh.
“You’re not with a man now, so you’re straight!” shouted Karen.
“No hunty, you’ve been with a man before, so you’re gay! No woman will ever take you again!” argued Charlie.
Before I had a chance to say anything, Jesus grabbed my face and stared into my eyes telling me, “I know you see beauty in my creation regardless of gender. I see you as my beloved child. It’s up to you to use your own words to describe your life.”
As I stared into my Lord’s eyes, the words of David came to me:
Psalm 139
O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
As I pointed to my accusers around me, I continued:
Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Smiling, Jesus grabbed my face and proclaimed to me:
John 15:1–14
I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branch. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciple. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friend if you do what I command you.
I replied, “Lord, I am one of your branches… but these accusations are preventing me from bearing fruit.”
Jesus asked me, “well, do you want to bear fruit?”
“Yes!” I exclaimed!
“Then to hell with these lies,” Jesus replied, as he pulled out a pair of pruning shears. Suddenly my eyes were opened to each of the parasitic vines attaching me to my accusers. Jesus grabbed the shears, and proceeded to to cut each and every lie growing off me.
We then returned to our slow dance.
“Wow, I guess I was getting tripped up in those vines,” I told Jesus. “Suddenly I can dance a whole lot better. I got the moves like J… ESUS!”
Jesus laughed, then kissed me on my cheek. “I love you Joseph. Now look in my eyes.”
As I stared into Jesus’ eyes, the world around me became intensely hot and blindingly bright. Where I stood, I was comfortably warm, while the discarded vines around me instantly were incinerated. The light surrounding us was so bright that the only thing I could focus my eyes on was Jesus.
While everything was burning around us, neither his nor my hair were singed, nor were our clothes harmed. I placed my head on Jesus’ shoulder while closing my eyes. I took a deep breath and noticed that while my clothes still smelled like Downy Unstoppables, Jesus had a divine scent finer than the costliest perfumes. His arms wrapped around me were so comforting. I could feel my heartbeat against his.
Then the lyrics of the song of our slow dance came to my lips:
I’m Listening — Chris McClarney
When You speak, confusion fades
Just a word and suddenly I’m not afraid
’Cause You speak and freedom reigns
There is hope in every single word You say
I don’t wanna miss one word You speak
’Cause everything You say is life to me
I don’t wanna miss one word You speak
Quiet my heart, I’m listening
When sorrows roar and troubles rage
You whisper peace when I don’t have the words to say
I won’t lose hope when storms won’t break
You keep Your word, oh and Your promises will keep me safe
I don’t wanna miss one word You speak
’Cause everything You say is life to me
I don’t wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I’m listening
Your ways are higher
You know just what I need
I trust You, Jesus
You see what I cannot see
Your ways are higher
You know just what I need
I trust You, Jesus
You see what I cannot see
Your ways are higher
You know just what I need
I trust You, Jesus
You see what I cannot see
Your ways are higher
You know just what I need
I trust You, Jesus
You see what I cannot see
I don’t wanna miss one word You speak
’Cause everything You say is life to me
I don’t wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I’m listening
I don’t wanna miss one word You speak
’Cause everything You say is life to me
I don’t wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I’m listening
I don’t wanna miss one word You speak
’Cause everything You say is life to me
I don’t wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I’m listening
Jesus whispered in my ear,
“The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” Ecclesiastes 12:13
As the Raven perched on a branch called out to me, I opened my eyes. I noticed that I was standing alone in the same spot, except that it was no longer night time. The sun was just coming over the mountain as the dew on the greenery around me dazzled like jewels.
I lifted my eyes up to the mountain, and shouted my own prayer to the Lord as the Raven took off and soared above me:
“I am alive; God dwells within me. Praise the Lord, oh my soul. Lord, I’m still confused and hurt about so many things, but I trust you that you’re in control. I will continue to ask you why things happen. Thank you for walking alongside me and never abandoning me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for allowing my brothers and sisters to be the hands and feet of your love for me. Thank you for showing me how you can beautifully fix something broken. Thank you for giving me signs to remind me where to go. I can do all things when you give me the strength to do them. You are my reason for living.”
In the light of day, I could now see the path that lay ahead of me. As I paused to turn back to look at the spot where I had just been slow dancing with Jesus, I turned back to take my first step on this path, while I Am Loved began to play.
Just as I am
You welcome me
With open arms
How can this be
My guilt is undone
My past is untethered
I leave it behind
And run to my Father
There is no disappointment in Your eyes
There is no shame there is only pride
I am loved
Father, I’m loved by You
So unreserved
Your heart for me
My fear is gone
I am set free
There’s nothing to hide
There’s nothing to measure
’Cause I am Your child
And that’s all that matters
There is no disappointment in Your eyes
There is no shame there is only pride
I am loved
Father, I’m loved by You
There is no distance in Your embrace
Over and over again You say
I am loved
Father, I’m loved by You
I am loved
Father, I’m loved by You
You are changing everything
You are changing everything
I believe it
I receive it
You are changing everything
You are changing everything
You are changing everything
I believe it
I receive it
You are changing everything
You are changing everything
You are changing everything
I believe it
I receive it
You are changing everything
I believe it
I receive it
You are changing everything
Oh, You are
Oh
There is no disappointment in Your eyes
There is no shame there is only pride
I am loved
Father, I’m loved by You
There is no distance in Your embrace
Over and over again You say
I am loved
Father, I’m loved by You
I am loved
Father, I’m loved by You
I am loved
Father, I’m loved by You
I’m loved by You
I am loved, I am loved, I am loved
I am loved by You
I am loved, I am loved, I am loved
I am loved, I am loved by You
I am loved, I am loved, I am loved
I am loved, I am loved by You
I am loved, I am loved, I am loved
I’m loved by You
I am loved by You